18

 

slowly

with
great caution

in
halting
measured step

I creep
from
sanctuary
dark

to leave
solace
safety
and sorrow
behind

to
sidle
in uncertainty
into
the
chafing
cutting light

head bowed

eyes
swollen red

mind bruised

spirit crushed

heart
mercilessly
torn

I am
tensed
for flight

emerging

visible again

though
just barely

in snap
recoil
from movements
quick

from
any gesture
toward
my person

don’t reach

don’t
touch

do not
touch

do
not
touch
me

fragile
as a
newborn
bird

unsteady
as
a fawn

and
just
as frightened

just
as
unsure

this is
territory
long
untrod

movement
long
abandoned

sorrowfully
abandoned

forgotten
purpose
purposely
avoided

shunned
in anger

my wounded
animal
took
refuge
in aloneness

solitary
in the
horror

dug in
with
resolve
to
disappear

perhaps
to die

simple breathing
a
considered
labor

each
breath
weighed and
measured

its worth
evaluated

most times
found
of little
value

but still
I drew
them
hesitantly

counted
every
tear
that fell

struggled
with
the hand
of death

my hand

my
hand
of deliverance

debating
should
I bid
it end
this
misery

this agony

again and again
debating

pleading
in the
soothing
blackness

to barter
my mortality
for
yours

begging
the
bargain

holding it
in
the light
of
grief
to see
just
how
it might be done

over and over
day after day

night
upon
horrific
night

my empty
shell
beseeching
that
my
broken life

somehow
be
sacrifice
enough

to make
yours
whole
once more

the
catalyst
to spark
the
fire of life
into
your eyes

your
cold

dead

empty eyes

but I
found
no takers
for
my deal

only
painful
abject loneliness

soul-wrenching
regret

and so
I lay

shallow
breathing

unfed

unwashed

unsaved

resigned
to
simply
vanish

to pull
around me
the numb
of
sacred
death

but in
my
time
of forfeiture

a dim
but
growing light
fell upon
the faces
of
the others
who survive

the others
whom
I love

who look
to
me
to lead them
from this
dark
and chilling
pit

from
this
brutal plane
of
hopelessness

from despair

to be
strong

to find
the
reason
to go on

ever slowly
this
dim light
grows

and
the chill
to lift

my eyes
again
to see

my purpose
taking
gradual
form
as I
reluctantly
observe

so

slowly
I emerge

but
please

no quick
or sudden
expectations

I fear
I
may flee

never
to return

permit me
slow
and steady
emergence
from
my
chrysalis
of anguish

do not
attempt
to ease
my
return
with feigned
sympathy

or
hollow condolence

don’t assault me
with
declarations
of
your knowledge
of
my feelings

my state of
mind

do
not
insult me

for you
do not
know

you
do
not

so
please

be still

stand off

and
let me
find my way

back
into
this mortal world

this is
my return

not yours

offer only
patience

and
safe distance

 

17

 

bent

they slink
the
netherworld

beyond
the mirror

where
loosed
the
vengeful beast

veiled –
their eyes
from
sacred truth

prod –
to walk
a
mournful path

begot
beguiled

their fate
besot

cursed
to
wrest asunder
the fidelity
of
dreams

deafening
their
plaintive cries

misery’d pleas

and
guttural
moans

savaged forth
from
forlorn souls

lost

unchaste

forgotten

blind
is
virtue’s
sullen eye

dim
now
evermore

sad beings
in
a brutal world

torn
in
ceaseless
pain

rending
horror

unending
strife

a horde
quite
misbegotten

yet

concurrent
with
this
dreadful plight

a reality
of
consuming bliss

of
knowledge
vast
and deep

beauty
pure
as light itself

goodness
strong
as sterling

the song
of
spheres
so
sensuous

a place
of plenty
where
no one
wants

precious gifts
bestowed
sublime

to
feast
the spirit

to
dwell
in grace

to
behold
the infinite
face
of truth

to
hear
the voice
all-knowing

whole

these
differed realms
abide

reside
in time

though
not
congruent

unseen
the
gossamer curtain’s
fall

that
divides
these
dual realities

that share
no
commonalities

on and on
their
continuum

an unbroken
strand
unfurls

parallel
in separate
space

unknown
each
to the other

unaware
of
the
fragile thread

that binds
them
fast

dark
to light

seen
to unseen

tethered
everlasting

eternally
apart

this
counterbalanced
hidden link

the lifeblood
of
existence

 

16

 

I feel you
living

breathing

thinking

deep
within
the confines
of my
shadowy psyche

your presence
is palpable
visceral

I
am not alone

my emotions
obsessions

my impulses
are not yet
mine
exclusively

I
am not

we are

and
we are
at odds

conflicted

schizoid

torn
between
the heroic

and
the horrific

dark
evil urges

spawned
in
the dank
blackness
of
a soulless
void

at war

with
an inclination
toward
the sacred

the desire
to uplift

nurture

to seek
balance
between
the compulsion
to
ravage

and
the wisdom
to
embrace

the
unfettered mania
to
consume
and corrupt

and
the foresight
to
sustain

between
murder
and mercy

madness
and clarity

the duality
rages
unchecked

struggles
against
the constraints
of
convention

morality

and
the confusion
of
mindless chaos

stirring
the
unquenchable ache
to break
the shackles
of
suppressive
acquiescence

longing
for
genuine freedom

until

ever so
gradually

imperceptibly

the
moral voice
and
the manic whisper
are stifled
and
still

rendered mute

unleashing
the power
of the
beautiful beast
within

the
natural
essence

primitive self
birthed

I
am now
one

Nietzsche’s begotten

guided by instinct

attentive
to impulse

 

15

 

emerald eyes
stare

fix me
in their grasp

lift me
bodily
into
the atmos
of
unfinished dreams

strip me
of
fear

longing

of
inhibition

to render me
transparent

as I rise
weightless

care-less

untethered
being
of
pure now

filled
with universes
within
universes

a vessel
of time
and
space

ever-expanding
consciousness

aware
of all

not
as separate

but
as the is
the was
the
to become

with
infinite reach

embracing
the
strand continuum

drawing it
forward

reeling it
back

in
uninterrupted
linearity
of purpose
and
reason

for
no reason
but
the being
of its
universal
presence

its
omnipotent
here-ness

now

seeing through
the
emerald eyes

with
glassen gaze
I
behold
the meaning
of
the meaningless

to learn
what
is not
known

to reveal
what
cannot be

now
until forever

an epiphanal
unveiling
of
the mystery
of fate

to understand
the
why
within
the why

ever
I ascend
to
realization

comprehension

that
the meaning
of
the meaningless
is
the void
in
those
emerald eyes