Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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21

October 20, 2008


stopping is no option

to lose the way
is to keep
going

keep moving
forward
lest one
atrophies

grows rigid
with
the rigor mortis
of apathy

stiff
with unbending
ignorance
fear

paralyzed
gawking inward
at hopelessness
at failure

the
giving in
the giving up

the rot
that sets in
with
the loss of wonder

when grip lets go
of dreams

of possibility

arthritic loss of faith
debilitates
the soul

cripples
the manifest light
that shines forth
at the leap
into darkness

into uncertainty

into the sacred unknown

frozen
is the cautious man
withered in
a worried cage

terrified
of the wrong step
of
the journey all in

of daring the way
unmarked

and thus
bleeds out
the color of life
of living

to become cold
grey

a putrefied husk
of
brittled remorse

mired in
regret
for never having
shone so brightly
as to blind
the eyes of death

stopping is no option

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20

June 16, 2008

 

there is a darkness

I have known its presence
encountered its essence

it frightens me

it frightens me
because it is

because it is
so very devious
sinister
debilitating

all-consuming
if granted license

it lurks in shadow
collecting

collecting the dark matter
that steals into my life
into my heart

all the grief
failure
pain

all the terror
that has ensnared me
in times of weakness

all the empty blackness
that has befallen me

that has found a corner
of my soul
in which to hide

to sulk

secure foothold
like an awful seed
taking root

here it grows

here it dwells
manacled and restrained
in times of strength

kept in check
by my decent self

my self that loves
encourages
supports

that embraces possibility

my sacred self
that nurtures

that fosters empowerment

but

my inner-dwelling light
does not always shine
so bright

does not always hold sway
nor control
my inner darkness

my inner darkness
has great cunning
powerful influence

it is
at times
quite un-containable

this darkness
that has fed
upon the horror
that has been visited upon me

the betrayal
the abuse
the unthinkable loss

that has compounded
and festered

that has become animate

as if an entity
unto itself

that has gripped
and driven me

distraught
despaired
vengeful
unforgiving

driven me
to a perverse
unholy
bitterness

wholly unable
to fend off
the clutches
of this malevolence

it is
on occasion
far easier

even desirable

to succumb
to these dark forces
that promise
relief

falsely entice
with imagined
satisfaction

but there is
no quick release
from the pain

from the sorrow
that is
an inherent component
of life

one must
endure

and be tempered
invincible
by this endurance

steadfast
in the crucible
of resistance

but

the inner-mounting darkness
will ever seduce

its tug is powerful

I pray
here tonight

as I am swept up
in bittersweet memory
of you

overwhelmed
by the sorrow of loss

I pray
that the darkness
does not sense
that I am vulnerable

does not prey upon
my growing distress
that falls shadow-like
across my soul

that veils
my resolve
my courage

I pray
that the black void
does not birth
the despair

the anger
that begets
my other

my alter

my poison self
that I so detest

…and fear

 

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18

May 23, 2008

 

slowly

with
great caution

in
halting
measured step

I creep
from
sanctuary
dark

to leave
solace
safety
and sorrow
behind

to
sidle
in uncertainty
into
the
chafing
cutting light

head bowed

eyes
swollen red

mind bruised

spirit crushed

heart
mercilessly
torn

I am
tensed
for flight

emerging

visible again

though
just barely

in snap
recoil
from movements
quick

from
any gesture
toward
my person

don’t reach

don’t
touch

do not
touch

do
not
touch
me

fragile
as a
newborn
bird

unsteady
as
a fawn

and
just
as frightened

just
as
unsure

this is
territory
long
untrod

movement
long
abandoned

sorrowfully
abandoned

forgotten
purpose
purposely
avoided

shunned
in anger

my wounded
animal
took
refuge
in aloneness

solitary
in the
horror

dug in
with
resolve
to
disappear

perhaps
to die

simple breathing
a
considered
labor

each
breath
weighed and
measured

its worth
evaluated

most times
found
of little
value

but still
I drew
them
hesitantly

counted
every
tear
that fell

struggled
with
the hand
of death

my hand

my
hand
of deliverance

debating
should
I bid
it end
this
misery

this agony

again and again
debating

pleading
in the
soothing
blackness

to barter
my mortality
for
yours

begging
the
bargain

holding it
in
the light
of
grief
to see
just
how
it might be done

over and over
day after day

night
upon
horrific
night

my empty
shell
beseeching
that
my
broken life

somehow
be
sacrifice
enough

to make
yours
whole
once more

the
catalyst
to spark
the
fire of life
into
your eyes

your
cold

dead

empty eyes

but I
found
no takers
for
my deal

only
painful
abject loneliness

soul-wrenching
regret

and so
I lay

shallow
breathing

unfed

unwashed

unsaved

resigned
to
simply
vanish

to pull
around me
the numb
of
sacred
death

but in
my
time
of forfeiture

a dim
but
growing light
fell upon
the faces
of
the others
who survive

the others
whom
I love

who look
to
me
to lead them
from this
dark
and chilling
pit

from
this
brutal plane
of
hopelessness

from despair

to be
strong

to find
the
reason
to go on

ever slowly
this
dim light
grows

and
the chill
to lift

my eyes
again
to see

my purpose
taking
gradual
form
as I
reluctantly
observe

so

slowly
I emerge

but
please

no quick
or sudden
expectations

I fear
I
may flee

never
to return

permit me
slow
and steady
emergence
from
my
chrysalis
of anguish

do not
attempt
to ease
my
return
with feigned
sympathy

or
hollow condolence

don’t assault me
with
declarations
of
your knowledge
of
my feelings

my state of
mind

do
not
insult me

for you
do not
know

you
do
not

so
please

be still

stand off

and
let me
find my way

back
into
this mortal world

this is
my return

not yours

offer only
patience

and
safe distance

 

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16

May 15, 2008

 

I feel you
living

breathing

thinking

deep
within
the confines
of my
shadowy psyche

your presence
is palpable
visceral

I
am not alone

my emotions
obsessions

my impulses
are not yet
mine
exclusively

I
am not

we are

and
we are
at odds

conflicted

schizoid

torn
between
the heroic

and
the horrific

dark
evil urges

spawned
in
the dank
blackness
of
a soulless
void

at war

with
an inclination
toward
the sacred

the desire
to uplift

nurture

to seek
balance
between
the compulsion
to
ravage

and
the wisdom
to
embrace

the
unfettered mania
to
consume
and corrupt

and
the foresight
to
sustain

between
murder
and mercy

madness
and clarity

the duality
rages
unchecked

struggles
against
the constraints
of
convention

morality

and
the confusion
of
mindless chaos

stirring
the
unquenchable ache
to break
the shackles
of
suppressive
acquiescence

longing
for
genuine freedom

until

ever so
gradually

imperceptibly

the
moral voice
and
the manic whisper
are stifled
and
still

rendered mute

unleashing
the power
of the
beautiful beast
within

the
natural
essence

primitive self
birthed

I
am now
one

Nietzsche’s begotten

guided by instinct

attentive
to impulse

 

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15

May 9, 2008

 

emerald eyes
stare

fix me
in their grasp

lift me
bodily
into
the atmos
of
unfinished dreams

strip me
of
fear

longing

of
inhibition

to render me
transparent

as I rise
weightless

care-less

untethered
being
of
pure now

filled
with universes
within
universes

a vessel
of time
and
space

ever-expanding
consciousness

aware
of all

not
as separate

but
as the is
the was
the
to become

with
infinite reach

embracing
the
strand continuum

drawing it
forward

reeling it
back

in
uninterrupted
linearity
of purpose
and
reason

for
no reason
but
the being
of its
universal
presence

its
omnipotent
here-ness

now

seeing through
the
emerald eyes

with
glassen gaze
I
behold
the meaning
of
the meaningless

to learn
what
is not
known

to reveal
what
cannot be

now
until forever

an epiphanal
unveiling
of
the mystery
of fate

to understand
the
why
within
the why

ever
I ascend
to
realization

comprehension

that
the meaning
of
the meaningless
is
the void
in
those
emerald eyes

 

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14

April 12, 2008

 

I see them

starving
eyes

diseased
eyes

abandoned
eyes

eyes glazed
hollow
from
complete
lack
of human
contact

bruised
with
the violence
of
abject
loneliness

devoid
affection

no vestige
of
saving
hope

instead

cruel
neglect

burning
Infection

a vessel
of flies

dysentery

and
soured bile

caked
in filth
and
fecal waste

not yet
arrived
at the age
of reason

yet

so far beyond
anything
remotely
of reason

of sanity

reduced
to
something
less than
human

below
the dignity
of
chatteled
livestock

and for certain

less
valued

less
cared for

un-mourned

yet
so human
are they

it aches
to
look upon them

they
are a blight

a blight
on my
indifferent
soul

an abomination

my
abomination

my
condemnation

a stain

indelible
in my
heart

a mark
of
injustice

so
horrific

that
I am forced
to look away

they are my
denial

my
greatest fear

they
are

my sin

the sorrow
that
chokes
my spirit

wrings
from me
tears
of the
privileged

the glutted

the
guilty

they
are my
deep
unrest

my failure

my great
discomfort

my
interruption

and so
I reach out

I reach out
to
take control

to
make a change

and

by remote

remove
these
images
that
confront me

that
haunt me

taunt me

to
surf away

into the land
of
plenty

into the
oblivion
of
promised opulence

of corpulent
consumption

of fantasy
fiction
and
porn

into
no friction

no
fault

to have
those
images
recede
and
drift away

until
I do not
see
the pain

or
hear
the wailing

or
feel
the suffering

I
fade away

to be
comfortably
numbed

to
just do it

to be
all
that I can be

to enjoy
that
refreshing
sensation

teeth
so white
they sparkle

to
have it
my way

every
night
‘til 3:00 AM

 

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13

April 6, 2008

 

my eyes

crisp
from the
day’s
sun

from
devastation’s
fires

from
cruel vision
of
relentless
horror

scorched
by
vicious
awareness
of
sentenced
gaze

take refuge
in this
heavy
late evening
dew

settling
like a
shroud

diaphanous

opaque

obscuring

I am
sustained
by this
damp
cool
pall

that
descends
upon me

wraps ‘round
my
pained
countenance

fevered
with fatigue

crippled
with despair

driven
by a
faint
memory
of honor

of duty

of
human dignity

I
stumble

broken
by
this sin
I
shoulder

this
perversion

not of
my
making

but
of my
charge

my sin

conceived
and
unleashed
by those
who
would
impose
their will

their
twisted
utopic vision

who would
advance
their agenda
of
domination

those
who
would
take it

all

who would
rule
the world

a world
now
broken

corrupted
by their
vision

spoiled
by their
vanity

a world
in
chaos

I have
but
this
bloodied
ruin-riddled
highway
of
deepening
nocturne

of
dying
dreams

crushed
innocence

destruction

death

of my
duplicity

of my
guilt

of
burdened
shame

and so

I
stumble on

saturated
with
this
falling evening

with
this
drenching sorrow

slinking

in
exhausting
alert

hollow

empty

into this
coming
night

and
the
next night

and
the night
that
follows

that always
follows

captive
on this
road
of
murder

of
mounting evil

of
brutal
human
arrogance

prisoner
of
this
lost highway

seeking
forgiveness